Pharmaceutical Madness

The pharmaceutical industry is huge. I'm going to say it's probably a $170 trillion business. (Actually, I just looked it up and it's "only" a $300 billion business. Close enough.) When they lovingly craft a new drug and the justification for prescribing and consuming it, there's a lot at stake. Which is why I don't understand why so many drug names sound like they were cooked up in the Star Wars Naming Laboratory.

I know there are a lot of considerations here: names have to be distinct enough from other names so as not to be easily confused, generic names have to be strange enough so as to be less likely to become dominant after patents (or whatever) expire and the name brand is no longer the only game in town, and names have to be crafted so as to trigger the right kinds of associations in people's minds. That's a lot of tightropes to walk, which leads to some real naming disasters. (OK, so I guess I do understand how these awful names come to be. I just don't believe they can be this bad. OK, I guess I do believe it. I just don't approve of it.)

Here are 10 of my current "favorite" drug names, along with what I think they'd be better names for.

1. Aubagio: Reno, Nevada's hottest daytime-hours-only video poker lounge
2. Harvoni: a resort fully enclosed within the Mall of America
3. Sklice: soft drink made "With the Goodness of Skin!"
4. Qnasl: social media platform and app that tracks and ranks celebrity nose jobs
5. Foltx: Norwegian death metal band (original spelling: Føltx)
6. Frova: female hobbit wisely cut from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
7. Krystexxa: up-and-coming porn star (generic name: Lorna Mustin)
8. Trulicity: real estate gossip website (it features Trulisitings®, instead of listings)
9. Duavee: teenage pitching phenom currently playing Memphis AAA ball
10. Xgeva: exercise equipment targeting muscles of the chin and cheeks