Pharmaceutical Madness

The pharmaceutical industry is huge. I'm going to say it's probably a $170 trillion business. (Actually, I just looked it up and it's "only" a $300 billion business. Close enough.) When they lovingly craft a new drug and the justification for prescribing and consuming it, there's a lot at stake. Which is why I don't understand why so many drug names sound like they were cooked up in the Star Wars Naming Laboratory.

I know there are a lot of considerations here: names have to be distinct enough from other names so as not to be easily confused, generic names have to be strange enough so as to be less likely to become dominant after patents (or whatever) expire and the name brand is no longer the only game in town, and names have to be crafted so as to trigger the right kinds of associations in people's minds. That's a lot of tightropes to walk, which leads to some real naming disasters. (OK, so I guess I do understand how these awful names come to be. I just don't believe they can be this bad. OK, I guess I do believe it. I just don't approve of it.)

Here are 10 of my current "favorite" drug names, along with what I think they'd be better names for.

1. Aubagio: Reno, Nevada's hottest daytime-hours-only video poker lounge
2. Harvoni: a resort fully enclosed within the Mall of America
3. Sklice: soft drink made "With the Goodness of Skin!"
4. Qnasl: social media platform and app that tracks and ranks celebrity nose jobs
5. Foltx: Norwegian death metal band (original spelling: Føltx)
6. Frova: female hobbit wisely cut from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
7. Krystexxa: up-and-coming porn star (generic name: Lorna Mustin)
8. Trulicity: real estate gossip website (it features Trulisitings®, instead of listings)
9. Duavee: teenage pitching phenom currently playing Memphis AAA ball
10. Xgeva: exercise equipment targeting muscles of the chin and cheeks

Real People with Star Wars Names

If you know me, which you do (or don't), you know that I'm into names of made-up people, places, and things. (Read this whole post about my love of made-up words.) Also, if you've ever had the (mis)fortune of sharing an office with me, you know that I don't think very highly of many of the names of characters from the Star Wars universe. It's one of my "charming" things.

As a nomophile, I'm offended by the lack of care with which (it appears) many Star Wars names were crafted. To illustrate the lackluster hodgepodge that is Star Wars naming, take a look at the following list. Half of these are names of actual Star Wars characters, and half are names I made up in three seconds. Can you tell which is which?

1. Sio Bibble
2. Frik Tingo
3. Gobb Goon
4. Lok Durd
5. Glu Tranta
6. Poggle the Lesser
7. Joclad Danva
8. Sy Snootles
9. Sprut Wykoochis
10. Dwar-kar Yambri

(The real ones: 1, 4, 6, 7, 8. If you identified the right ones, you should probably find other movies to watch.)

With all that in mind, please enjoy this list of real people who could (or should!) be Star Wars characters.

• Sepp Blatter (scandal-tarnished FIFA president; second-string podracer pilot)
• Fee Waybill (frontman of the Tubes; shaggy Mos Eisley Cantina patron)
• Trent Lott (thankfully former US senator; crummy bounty hunter)
• Reince Priebus (chairman of the Republican National Committee; Death Star janitor droid)
• Bob Balaban (beloved character actor; minor Jedi from an obscure planet)

Do you know more Star Wars people stranded in the real world? Let me know.